


Things I’ll Never Say

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Darkpilot Fix-Its [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 5 + 1 Fic, Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awesome Leia Organa, Ben Solo Lives, Canon Compliant At The End, Communication, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Conflicted Poe Dameron, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:01:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25987102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Five conversations between Ben/Kylo and Poe that could have made things right, and one that did.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Series: Darkpilot Fix-Its [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883926
Kudos: 7
Collections: The Darkpilot Library, Trope Bingo: Round Fifteen





	Things I’ll Never Say

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Poor Communication Skills
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yeah, I know the title is an Avril Lavigne reference.

  
1\. Poe was nine years old and Ben six when Ben told Poe about the voices.   
  
“It’s scary,” Ben admitted. “They talk to me, they show me things — ”  
  
“What kind of things?” Poe already felt his stomach clenching. He was only nine years old, but he could already sense that something wasn’t really right here. Something was threatening his best friend, and he knew that he’d tear anything that threatened Ben apart just to keep him safe.   
  
“Really gory, gross stuff,” Ben said. “Like that one time Mom was watching a war holo and she didn’t realize I was there looking at the gory parts...?”  
  
“Yikes.” Then, “Do Force visions usually include that?”  
  
“I don’t know!” Ben’s lower lip trembled and he seemed on the verge of tears. “I don’t know what it is. What if...what if Mom and Dad think I’m crazy? What if you think I’m crazy?”  
  
Poe, impulsively, hugged his friend. “You’re not crazy,” he said. “No one should mess with you or I’ll fight them off!”  
  
Ben giggled. It was something that Poe knew was welcome. Then, “Maybe I could ask Mom about it? And Uncle Luke? Just so they’d know...”  
  
“We’ll ask together.”  
  
***  
  
Poe didn’t expect Leia to actually go pale, her eyes to widen. He could only conclude that whatever he’d said had been Very Very Bad.   
  
“Poe, Ben,” she said, “I’m not angry at either of you. I just...” She sighed. “I have some unfinished business to attend to.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Do either of you know who Ben’s monsters really are?”  
  
 _Who?_ Why would Leia say “who”? Grown-ups were weird, Poe could only conclude. He didn’t get it.   
  
“They’re people,” Leia said. “They’re very, very bad men, and I’m going to make sure neither of them hurt you again.”  
  
***  
  
Leia did return, after a confusing if fun week being left in Papa’s care while he babysat Poe and Ben. And when she returned with Han and Luke, and everyone else, she had to reassure Poe that what looked like soot and dust on her pristine white dress really was “nothing”.   
  
Poe had a feeling she was lying. At least Ben slept better than he had in a long time.   
  
2\. It wasn’t something that Poe expected, if he was to be honest, actually getting in contact with Ben. Even thinking about it was enough to make Poe’s heart clench — to think that he had all but missed Ben growing up...  
  
“Where are you?” Ben said.   
  
Poe sighed. "I can’t really tell you, Ben. It’s...a long story.” He doubted that Zorii would take too well to the idea of betraying any of them.   
  
"Are you okay?”  
  
Poe didn’t know how to describe it. Everything he’d gone through, everything that had been done to him and everything he had done.   
  
“Ben,” he said, “There’s something I need to tell you.”  
  
3\. Ben didn’t know if he could tell Poe, if he could be honest.   
  
How could he explain? How did he even know that telling Poe wouldn’t reveal that he was a bad person?  
  
Still, he supposed Poe had the right to know. After all, he knew that Poe had the right to know, at least. To walk away, if he needed to.   
  
To be happy, without him.   
  
He contacted Poe over the comm. After that interminable moment when Ben wasn’t sure what was going to happen, Poe’s face appeared.   
  
“Ben!” he said. “Are you okay?”  
  
 _I’m not._  
  
“I...have something to tell you...” Ben said.   
  
4\. He ought to head to Snoke. But instead, he flew towards Yavin IV. He didn’t know how to explain it, besides just needing to see Poe.   
  
Even as he landed on Yavin IV, he stepped out, wondering exactly how to explain what had happened. How Luke Skywalker, of all people (forgiving, compassionate Luke Skywalker, who had forgiven Darth Vader but couldn’t forgive Ben), had tried to kill him.   
  
It wasn’t right. Nothing about it was right.   
  
He headed towards Poe’s house. Knocked on the door. And when Poe answered, asking Ben about the soot on his clothes, and Ben explained —  
  
There was a moment that Ben thought that Poe wasn’t going to believe him. How could Poe believe him, after all, considering everything? Considering it was Luke Skywalker?   
  
But Poe said, “Ben...what if we told your mom? Got the evidence to prove it? I don’t know what’ll happen to Luke, but at least it’ll get you out of trouble...”  
  
“You’d do this for me?”  
  
“I always would.”  
  
Ben hugged him then, and he didn’t know how Poe still loved him and believed in him...but he did.   
  
5\. Kylo knew that he had to at least do something. He knew that Hux would at least try to break Poe, and Snoke...Snoke would kill Poe. Kylo had a feeling. He couldn’t bear for that idea to happen, which was why he’d insisted to Hux on taking over the interrogation personally.   
  
Only it wouldn’t be an interrogation.   
  
He could swear that his breath caught in his throat. How did he even begin?  
  
He supposed that his answer to Poe’s question about why he’d taken over the interrogation was a good place to begin.  
  
  
  
  
  
***  
  
 _And one conversation that did..._  
  
“There’s a lot of things I don’t understand.”  
  
Poe said this to Kylo Ren even as the both of them sat by a campfire that they’d set up on the planet they were stranded on. Stranded together. A few months since Crait, and they’d finally gotten to face each other in a dogfight. They'd talked in the past about being fighting partners. Did they ever expect this would happen?   
  
“Go on,” Kylo said.   
  
“Why do you hate me?”  
  
He didn’t expect Kylo’s eyes to go wide, for his lips to part if slightly. Then, his face composing itself into an almost stoic mask that didn’t suit him at all, “I don’t. I never did.”  
  
“Liar.” Poe kicked aside a stray pebble. “You wouldn’t have tortured me if you didn’t hate me somehow.”  
  
Silence.   
  
Then, “That’s where you’re wrong." Kylo took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t have...interrogated you,” and Poe wished he would at least admit it was torture. He supposed that they were two different words for the same thing. “If not for the fact that Snoke’s orders were clear.”  
  
“Did you seriously go ‘I was just following orders’ on me?”  
  
“There’s more,” Kylo said. “Snoke...threatened to kill you if I didn’t comply.”  
  
Poe paused. What did you say to that? Realizing that your Supreme Leader wanted the man you (probably?) loved dead...  
  
Kylo continued. “I couldn’t let you die, Poe,” he said. Still that oddly gentle voice that sounded _wrong_ for him, that he’d used on Tuanul, on the Finalizer. “It wasn’t...right. It was why I hesitated to fire on you above this planet. I couldn’t let you die.”  
  
Poe ought to hate him. Ought to. Instead, he found his emotions scrambled, a maelstrom. What did you say to something like _this?_ It was one thing if Kylo tortured him willingly and deliberately, but what did Poe even say to the thought that Kylo had been coerced into torturing Poe?   
  
It didn’t make it right but...what did you make of it?   
  
But he knew for certain that even Kylo didn’t deserve this. He didn’t like this “new and improved” version of Ben, as a person. He could feel sorry for him.   
  
“I can feel sorry for you,” Poe said. “Even if I don’t like you. As a person.”  
  
“I know. It wasn’t your fault. Of all the people I blame for this...I blame you least. I wish I had broken free of Snoke sooner. I wish I had been stronger.”  
  
Poe swallowed. “You can come back.”  
  
“Why? I have done...unspeakable things; I’ve done things you haven’t heard about. You can’t possibly forgive me.”  
  
“I don’t like this version of you,” Poe said. “But you can come back. I love you and believe in you.” A beat. “I came back, Ben. So can you.”  
  
And when Ben did come back, for real this time from the World Between Worlds, when Poe cut off Ben’s attempts at apologies with an almost rib-crushing embrace (because he came back, they won)...Poe could say that one conversation had been a start. It had only just begun — but that was the beautiful thing about it. It had begun.


End file.
